I HATE FOOD.

I'm not really sure where to begin. I posted a while ago about Bear's 6-month allergy test results, which only showed he was allergic to egg (though he was still intolerant to dairy and soy). Well apparently that was bullshit because we just had him tested again at 9-months after he had a bad reaction to a teeny bite of hummus I gave him. We saw a different allergist (which I was thankful for because I felt blown off by the first one) this time and he did both a skin and blood test. The results are in:

Moderately allergic to- milk, almond, peanut
Highly allergic to- sesame (explains the hummus rxn), egg
Very highly allergic to- wheat

Also still intolerant to soy (but not allergic, yay!)

Bear was prescribed an EpiPen, and a couple meds for his eczema. I'm obviously avoiding giving him any of these foods until further notice. I breastfeed, which means I have cut these things out of my diet as well. It's really hard. I am (or was) a food person. I lived for cooking, trying new restaurants, cheese tasting, and food festivals. That has definitely changed. Cooking used to relax me and now it's just a chore. Dining out is no longer fun. Wherever we go I just get a (very plain) salad and bring my own dressing from home. Traveling is difficult because I have to pack all my own food. I'm constantly concerned with making sure I add enough fat and protein to my meals in order to keep me full.

I'm frustrated for all of these reasons, but it's so much more than that. I'm angry. I'm angry with the first allergist (and yes I know food allergies can change over time, but I had a feeling even then that he was wrong) who blew us off. I'm angry that Bear can't enjoy food the way that I wanted him to be able to. I'm angry that all of this is coming to a head right before I'm supposed to begin my new career. I'm angry that I can't just stay at home and research and make yummy, safe meals for my family, and I'm angry that no one seems to understand.

The most anxiety-inducing thing for me right now is trying to figure out what I'm going to wean Bear to when I'm done breastfeeding since he can't have whole cows milk like most kids. Everything I've read says they need breast milk, formula, or whole cows milk until age 2 for cognitive development. Bear can't have regular formula because it's made from cow's milk. He would need to be on a special, very expensive formula, which would be fine, but I've read that it can be hard to transition babies to since it tastes horrible- perfect for a picky toddler, right? Milk alternatives such as rice and soy milk don't contain the fat and protein that toddlers need. Also, soy milk contains hormones which aren't great for kids and apparently rice milk contains low levels of arsenic. Fucking awesome.

Even worse is that I asked this question (about what I should wean him to at 1 year) on a couple food allergy boards and some people actually told me I should continue breastfeeding. SO EFFING HELPFUL. I already plan on breastfeeding to a year and possibly beyond, but I will be working full time as well as taking 3 courses. My schedule is demanding and I'm not sure that I will have the time to pump when I'm away from him. Also, I miss food. I missing meeting friends for drinks and apps, I miss dining out with M on date nights, and I miss traveling without a cooler full of food. Despite all of this I actually have been toying with the idea of continuing to breastfeed until Bear is 2, simply because if I don't I feel like I am choosing food over him, which is a really shitty feeling. "Hearing" another food allergy mom (see, even they don't understand) tell me to continue breastfeeding, like it was such a "duh" solution, didn't help- it just made me cry.

Well, I'm off to try to create an allergy-friendly cake for Bear's 1st birthday. It's 2 months away, but I have a feeling it will take me that long to come up with something that tastes good enough to actually eat.

On another note, here are some shots from our little trip to see M's parents this weekend:

The three of us. I look pregnant. I'm not.

The awesome waterfall!

Forgetting all my worries:)