My (long and difficult) Breastfeeding Jouney

Bear and I had trouble breastfeeding from the start. He wouldn't latch in the hospital despite my receiving help from three different nurses and two lactation consultants. After 24 hours he still hadn't eaten and when they came in to weigh him I broke down and cried. I felt so horrible. The lactation consultant asked if I wanted to try a nipple shield, but warned me that they often lead to low supply and could be difficult to wean babies off of. I was desperate at that point so I agreed. He did much better with the shield. The lactation consultant was still worried that he wasn't getting enough, so during each feeding we used a syringe/tube system to give him a little extra expressed breast milk while he was latched on. They were also worried about the shield leading to supply issues, so they had me pumping after every feeding 'round the clock. Bear nursed every 2 hours for about 45 minutes at a time, so pumping as well was exhausting. After I left the hospital the lactation consultant continued to check in with me. I kept saying that I thought I was making plenty of milk despite using the shield, but she assured me that I needed to keep pumping after nursing sessions if I wanted to sustain my supply.

While I was in the hospital they also informed me that Bear was slightly jaundiced and that I would need to follow up with the pediatrician to ensure that it subsided. At his first check-up his bilirubin levels were still considered high, so the doctor told us we would need to return in a few days to check them again. For a long time we were going to the doctor on a weekly (sometimes twice a week) basis for heel sticks to check his levels. They remained fairly high for quite a while, but I am lucky that I had an amazing pediatrician who constantly reassured me that it would most likely resolve itself. Still, between being a brand new mom and dealing with breastfeeding and weight gain issues I was a wreck. Fortunately for us Bear's bilirubin levels eventually came down and he also began gaining weight like a champ. Little did we know, that was just the beginning of our struggle.

When Bear was 4 days old I started to feel like I was coming down with the flu. I had a fever, chills, and was completely miserable. My mom, who had been staying with us, asked me if I had any red marks on my boobs. I went to the bathroom to check and, sure enough, both breasts were streaked with red. I had mastitis on both sides. After that I went down to only pumping twice a day after feedings and also weaned Bear off the nipple shield (no easy feat- I thought we'd never get rid of that stupid thing) sometime around 8 weeks. My boobs became slightly more manageable, but I was already dealing with a huge oversupply. Every time I nursed Bear he would pull of screaming the second I had a let down. I ended up having to unlatch him during every let down, catch my milk in a towel, and re-latch him. I also turned to block feeding. That went on for 4 months and during that time I got mastitis three more times. Luckily by that point I could tell fairly easily when it was coming on and I would put in a call to my doctor for a refill on antibiotics. I will say that the one good the about having an oversupply meant that I always had a freezer full of milk. In fact, I ended up with so much that I was able to donate a lot of it to a mom in my area who needed it for her baby. Doing that helped me deal with it emotionally a tiny bit, though it was still very frustrating most of the time.

Around 2 months in Bear was becoming increasingly fussy and gassy. He also had very loose, dark green, mucousy stools, eczema, and seemed to be permanently congested and wheezy. After speaking with the pediatrician about milk intolerances and all of its symptoms I cut all dairy out of my diet. Bear became so much better within just a day. About a month later though he still seemed to be having tummy issues. I did some research and found that half of all babies who are sensitive to dairy are also sensitive to soy. I cut soy out and once again, Bear improved tremendously.

When Bear was 4 months old, we were still really struggling. He was a very fussy baby and never slept well. Getting 2 straight hours of him at night was a miracle. We would walk/rock/bounce him back to sleep and the second we laid him down he would wake up again. He was also still having a hard time nursing without pulling off and crying. I explained this to his doctor at one of his appointments and he said it sounded like it might be reflux. He prescribed us Zantac, which made absolutely no difference. The next medicine they had us try was Prevacid. It seemed to help slightly, but after about a month on it I stopped giving it to him and saw no change, so we kept him off of it. During this time, I was secretly a mess. Despite huge efforts and help on M's part, I felt very exhausted, alone, and anxious. Looking back I think I definitely suffered from a little postpartum anxiety. Every evening I was overcome with intense feelings of anxiety about the night ahead of me. At the time I didn't know how to put my emotions into words, so I never told anyone. Luckily, my anxiety seemed to fade slowly on it's own and I felt more like myself around the 9 month mark.

At 6 months Bear was still having eczema flair ups and tummy troubles now and then, so my pediatrician wanted him to be allergy tested since he was already having issues with dairy and soy that I ate. During our appointment with the allergist I felt like we were completely blown off. The doctor performed a skin prick test on him and determined he was only allergic to egg. He told us that I should just reintroduce dairy and soy and that his eczema wasn't bad enough to be a big deal. I left feeling very unsure, but I've never been one to question a doctor's diagnosis, so we went on our way and I cut egg out of my diet as well.

A little while before Bear turned 9 months I gave him a tiny bit of hummus to taste. He ate it and immediately became red and blotchy and began coughing and gagging. I called my pediatrician who referred us to a different allergist. During his appointment they did another skin prick test followed by a blood test. The results came back to show that Bear was highly allergic to milk, egg, wheat, nuts, and sesame. I was upset but also felt relieved- we finally had some answers to all of the issues we were having! Since finding out, he is a much happier baby and is sleeping so much better as well.

I considered quitting breastfeeding and using a hypoallergenic formula many times, but could never bring myself to do it. I've had so many struggles along the way and I'm finally starting to really enjoy our breastfeeding relationship. Bear is now 11 months old and I am breastfeeding him on a dairy, egg, wheat, nut, and sesame-free diet. It's not always easy, but I have become fairly used to it. I had originally planned on quitting at 1 year, but since he would need either whole milk or formula until he turns 2, I have decided to keep breastfeeding as long as we are both enjoying it and my supply cooperates despite my being back at work full-time.

If any other breastfeeding moms out there are struggling, I just want to say that I understand how you feel and you are amazing. Breastfeeding may be "natural", but for me it was anything but easy. Despite everything I faced, I'm so happy I was able to stick with it and I hope you are able to do the same if that is what you want. It's such a selfless thing to do and I don't think there is enough support out there for us. I still believe that every mom should be sent home from the hospital with an assistant and personal cheerleader. And a trophy. Of course a trophy.

I HATE FOOD.

I'm not really sure where to begin. I posted a while ago about Bear's 6-month allergy test results, which only showed he was allergic to egg (though he was still intolerant to dairy and soy). Well apparently that was bullshit because we just had him tested again at 9-months after he had a bad reaction to a teeny bite of hummus I gave him. We saw a different allergist (which I was thankful for because I felt blown off by the first one) this time and he did both a skin and blood test. The results are in:

Moderately allergic to- milk, almond, peanut
Highly allergic to- sesame (explains the hummus rxn), egg
Very highly allergic to- wheat

Also still intolerant to soy (but not allergic, yay!)

Bear was prescribed an EpiPen, and a couple meds for his eczema. I'm obviously avoiding giving him any of these foods until further notice. I breastfeed, which means I have cut these things out of my diet as well. It's really hard. I am (or was) a food person. I lived for cooking, trying new restaurants, cheese tasting, and food festivals. That has definitely changed. Cooking used to relax me and now it's just a chore. Dining out is no longer fun. Wherever we go I just get a (very plain) salad and bring my own dressing from home. Traveling is difficult because I have to pack all my own food. I'm constantly concerned with making sure I add enough fat and protein to my meals in order to keep me full.

I'm frustrated for all of these reasons, but it's so much more than that. I'm angry. I'm angry with the first allergist (and yes I know food allergies can change over time, but I had a feeling even then that he was wrong) who blew us off. I'm angry that Bear can't enjoy food the way that I wanted him to be able to. I'm angry that all of this is coming to a head right before I'm supposed to begin my new career. I'm angry that I can't just stay at home and research and make yummy, safe meals for my family, and I'm angry that no one seems to understand.

The most anxiety-inducing thing for me right now is trying to figure out what I'm going to wean Bear to when I'm done breastfeeding since he can't have whole cows milk like most kids. Everything I've read says they need breast milk, formula, or whole cows milk until age 2 for cognitive development. Bear can't have regular formula because it's made from cow's milk. He would need to be on a special, very expensive formula, which would be fine, but I've read that it can be hard to transition babies to since it tastes horrible- perfect for a picky toddler, right? Milk alternatives such as rice and soy milk don't contain the fat and protein that toddlers need. Also, soy milk contains hormones which aren't great for kids and apparently rice milk contains low levels of arsenic. Fucking awesome.

Even worse is that I asked this question (about what I should wean him to at 1 year) on a couple food allergy boards and some people actually told me I should continue breastfeeding. SO EFFING HELPFUL. I already plan on breastfeeding to a year and possibly beyond, but I will be working full time as well as taking 3 courses. My schedule is demanding and I'm not sure that I will have the time to pump when I'm away from him. Also, I miss food. I missing meeting friends for drinks and apps, I miss dining out with M on date nights, and I miss traveling without a cooler full of food. Despite all of this I actually have been toying with the idea of continuing to breastfeed until Bear is 2, simply because if I don't I feel like I am choosing food over him, which is a really shitty feeling. "Hearing" another food allergy mom (see, even they don't understand) tell me to continue breastfeeding, like it was such a "duh" solution, didn't help- it just made me cry.

Well, I'm off to try to create an allergy-friendly cake for Bear's 1st birthday. It's 2 months away, but I have a feeling it will take me that long to come up with something that tastes good enough to actually eat.

On another note, here are some shots from our little trip to see M's parents this weekend:

The three of us. I look pregnant. I'm not.

The awesome waterfall!

Forgetting all my worries:)

Vacation

It's been waaaaaay too long since my last post. In my defense, life has been crazier than ever. We just got back from vacation, I'm scrambling to get everything ready for when I start teaching this fall, and we just found out that Bear has some pretty bad food allergies:( Oh, and did I mention we are ENGAGED?! Crazy, right? M proposed on vacation, which I was totally not expecting. I'll post more about all of these things later, but I wanted to at least get some pics up of our fabulous vacation.

We went to South Haven, MI, a beautiful little town right on Lake Michigan that we visit every summer with my family. We bring a couple boats and rent a place on the canal. It was pretty hot this year, so we didn't get to venture down to the beach as much as I would have liked, but there was lots of fun pool time and it was nice just to see all of my family. Unfortunately Bear slept horribly pretty much the entire trip. It was like having a newborn all over again because he was up almost every hour at night. I'm not positive, but I have a feeling part of it was due to his allergies. He's on a couple medications now and is sleeping much better. Phew!

Bear looking manly in his ladybug float

Looking awesome in his ladybug float

With Nana

My sweet nephew

Taking a break!

Fun in the cabana!

My youngest nephew

My silly (oldest) nephew

With Papa

Accidentally took this himself with my phone. MySpace, here he comes!

At the beach with Daddy

First time in the lake!

Hangin' by the boats with Dad

Bear and I at the beach

My little cheeser

Staying cool at the beach!

Klassy

I'm ready to go back!