Happy Belated Valentine's Day!

It's February 21st and I'm finally getting around to posting about Valentine's Day. I promise I'll get the hang of this blogging thing soon...maybe.

Our Valentine's Day was low key but really nice. I got M a book based on one of his favorite TV shows (Archer) and he surprised me by bringing home sea scallops, steak, and lobster that he cooked on the grill. (Turns out Bear is actually allergic to shellfish as well- Awesome! I'm starting to feel like nothing is safe!) He also got me flowers and a really sweet card from him and Bear that made me cry. I used to pride myself on picking out cards for people, especially M. Apparently I've lost that ability because this year he got this (written on out grocery list pad):

How sweet are my editing skills?

I'll do better next year...

Flat Spots and Noggin Nests

It's no secret that babies spend a lot of time on their backs. Sure there's the mandatory 30 minutes of tummy time every day (pfft, right), but for the most part they hang out sunny side up on their crib mattresses, changing tables, bath tubs, play mats, gyms, and whatever other contraptions Babies 'R' Us has convinced you will put your baby on the fast track to Harvard, so when Bear developed a little bit of a flat spot I probably shouldn't have been surprised (though maybe I should have taken tummy time a little more seriously?). Well I love overreacting, so instead of brushing it off as something he would grow out of my mind went straight to "OMG, his skull is crushing under the weight of his 99th percentile head!" Since I'm as annoying as I am dramatic, I proceeded to repeatedly present Bear's flat spot to M, the pediatrician, my mom, the pediatric neurologist, my sister, and my other sister (who is a neurologist) and asked them if they were sure it looked okay. They all assured me, yes, it was barely noticeable and would most likely improve as he got older. Whew.

About a week after Bear's last doctors appointment I woke up and decided his flat spot definitely looked worse than it had the day before. I freaked out a little bit and decided that simply increasing tummy time wasn't going to cut it before heading over to the online message board that I frequent to asked the ladies there what they recommended for flat spots. A lot of them said they had success using the Boppy Noggin Nest. I quickly looked it up and forced M to order it immediately because I could see Bear's head getting flatter by the second (okay, maybe that's a slight exaggeration). I even made him pay the extra $20 for overnight shipping. Unfortunately the entire internet had run out of the brown one with circles, a.k.a. the boy version, so we had to go with the hot pink one with flowers.

The Nest arrived the next day looking as pink as I expected.

As of right now we're only using it in the Rock 'N Play Sleeper. If the flat spot gets any worse I'll start using it other places as well, but for now it seems to be doing the job. Plus, I think Bear needed a little pink in his life.

Birthday? What Birthday?

So apparently I suck at this blog-writing stuff. Between school, housework, grocery shopping, cooking, taking care of Bear, and trying not to look and dress like an un-showered Kevin Federline (really though, is there any other kind?), I can barely find the time. I supposed if I'm going to keep up with this then I really need to set aside some time every day (or at least every other day) to write. Okay, I put it in writing, so now I have to do it.

My birthday was a couple weeks ago but M was on call so we really couldn't do anything. Since his birthday was Sunday (and he was on call again) my mom came the weekend between our birthdays so that M and I could go out to dinner for the very first time without Bear.

I'm not quite sure why, but I had a lot of anxiety leading up to that weekend. Bear was starting to sleep better at night and then all of the sudden something changed (Teething? Growth spurt? 4-month waking? Who knows..) and he was back to his cat naps and constant night waking. The fact that he wasn't sleeping also meant that he was a horrible, cranky mess. Because of this I think I was terrified to leave him with my mom for fear that he would be completely unmanageable and I would come home to a screaming, overtired infant and an exhausted Nana who was never to return. Ridiculous, right? I ended up breaking down and confessing this to my mom over the phone after one particularly horrible night. She told me that I was being crazy and that there was "no baby that Nana couldn't handle."

So Saturday night we got all dressed up and headed out for our 5:30 reservations (early bird special anyone?) at the best steakhouse in the city. Since I can't eat soy or dairy due to Bear's MSPI I had my awkward conversation with the waitress, asking her if she could please make sure none of my food contained butter or was marinaded in anything that I didn't know about. I had a glass of red wine and M had some fancy Mad Men-esk drink that I can't remember the name of. Our steaks came out a short while later and were unfortunately grossly undercooked. M likes his steak a little rare and even he couldn't stomach the meat on the plate in front of him. Not wanting to say anything, we decided we'd just take them home and toss them on the grill. This turned out to be a good idea because it was around that time that the toddler in the booth behind us starting having a meltdown. (Seriously people? We live in a super kid-friendly city in which there are literally hundreds of great restaurants that would be perfect to take even the littlest kids too. I really don't think your 2-year-old is going to enjoy himself in the fanciest steakhouse in the city on a Saturday night.)

On the way home we decided that we definitely needed to stop at Walgreen's and get some candy. After deciding on Twizzlers, Mike and Ikes, and Starbursts we headed back to our apartment. Bear was still awake (it was only around 7pm at this point) so I gave him a bath and put him to bed.

Overall our little birthday celebration was pretty uneventful. I'm sure it was a mixture of anxiety over leaving Bear, exhaustion, and just plain getting older, but it didn't seem like much of a birthday at all. Long gone are the college days when I would celebrate my birthday like it was a national holiday (yes, I was that girl at the bar) and I'm okay with that. I have a 4-month-old now and better things to worry about than planning some huge, elaborate party.. until Bear's 1st birthday, that is;)

The three of us before dinner. Bear was clearly thrilled to be taking family photos.

A Year Ago Today...

I was at work and decided to take the pregnancy test I had in my purse that was left over from the two-pack I had bought the week before when I didn't get my period. Thinking there was not a chance in hell I was pregnant (I was on birth control pills), I looked down at the test immediately after peeing on it and saw that there was a line in the little window that was not the control window. I looked at the picture for "not pregnant" in the directions and thought "Hmm, that's weird.. my test is opposite the one in the picture." After about .5 seconds my dumbass moment passed. "Oh. My. God," I thought, "I'm pregnant." Sure enough the control line showed up a few seconds later. I literally started pacing. I didn't want to call M because he had a really important meeting with his boss that afternoon and I knew he would get all panicky and act like a total weirdo.

Later that night when M got home he found me lying in our bed sobbing. Completely freaked out, he asked what was wrong. I told him to go look in the bathroom, where he found 4 positive pregnancy tests. His only reaction was "Umm, wow," which was actually much better than I expected. He paced back and forth for a while while I continued crying. We had just moved to a new state, I was beginning my graduate program, and he had just started a new career. Not to mention we weren't even married and were living in a one-bedroom apartment. Having a baby was the last thing on our minds.

Over the next few days we both continued to freak out a bit. I knew in my head I was going to keep the baby and I think M knew too, he was just waiting for me to say it. As the weeks past I came around to the idea of being a mom and by the time we told our parents I was pretty excited.

Now I look at Bear and wonder what I did before him. Everything pre-baby seems so much less important to me now. It's like there was a piece missing that I never realized until he was here. He is my world and I can't imagine if things hadn't turned out the way that they did.

It's crazy how much can change in one year.

Update: Bear's MRI Results

I've been somewhat MIA because we spent last week in southern Indiana with M's family (more on that later) and things have been a bit crazy since we've been back. Bear did have his Quick Brain MRI done yesterday, which he was NOT happy about. His tiny baby earplugs fell out while he was in there and those machines are pretty loud, so I think it scared him. He also isn't a big fan of having his entire body and head strapped down to a board by strangers, but I can't say that I blame him. Luckily the whole procedure was over in about 4 minutes and he was no worse for the wear.

The doctor called later yesterday evening to tell us that Bear does NOT have hydrocephalus, which is when the ventricles in the brain are enlarged and filled with fluid. He does however have a small amount of fluid around the perimeter of his brain. This is common in babies with very large heads and will most likely never require surgery (yay!). He does have to go back monthly to measure head circumference and make sure he is on track developmentally (which he definitely is so far), but aside from that we just hope that the fluid disappears once his brain catches up to his big noggin:)

 My little trooper post-MRI. I had to cut the bottom of his onesie off because no metal is allowed in the room during the MRI.

Appointment with the Pediatric Neurologist

Bear's noggin has always been a little (okay, a lot) on the large side. It was in the 80th percentile at birth and has been in the 99th percentile since his 2 month appointment. It is most likely because M also has a giant head (and his dad and his dad's dad) but our pediatrician referred us to a pediatric neurologist just to be safe. He had his appointment yesterday and the neurologist does think that Bear might have a little bit of benign fluid in there because of the jump it made from birth to 2 months and because his fontanelle puffs out a bit. The good news is that developmentally he is right on track and reaching his milestones, so there is nothing else indicating that there is an issue. They asked us if we wanted to do a "quick brain MRI" where they don't sedate and it only takes a few minutes. I wanted to but M said we would wait and talk about it. My sister is a neurologist so I called her to see what she thought and she said she would go ahead and get the MRI for peace of mind if nothing else. We have a follow-up appointment in a month to remeasure head circumference and see where he is at but I knew I couldn't wait that long for the scan because I would drive myself crazy with worry by then. I just called to reschedule for an earlier date and they said they would call me back as soon as they put the order in for the quick brain MRI. I'm such a mix of emotions right now, I just feel like crying. Part of me thinks everything will be fine but the other part of me (the mom part?) can't help but worry.

Mother-effing Crib Transition and the Party Baby

My baby might just be the worst sleeper on the planet. Okay, maybe not. But that was definitely the thought crossing my mind at 3 a.m. when I was rocking Bear back to sleep for the SEVENTH time last night. See, now that he’s almost 3 months old we’re trying to get him out of the Fisher Price Rock 'N' Play Sleeper, aka The Baby Sleep Godsend, in our room and into the crib in his room.

Bear has never been a great (or even good) sleeper. He woke up from his 3 week newborn coma and has been a party baby ever since. We finally got him up to a 5.5 hour stretch at night, but that lasted a whopping 3 days before his sleep was back to shit. Since he’s been waking up so frequently, we figured we might as well transition him to his crib at night because we really have nothing to lose at this point.

Bear has been “napping” in his crib during the day for a few weeks now. I say “napping” because he never sleeps longer than 45 minutes... Never. I blame it on The Forty-five Minute Intruder. If you don’t know what (or who) The Forty-five Minute Intruder is then you are insanely lucky. He is a horrible, terrible, awful beast whose sole purpose in life is to disrupt your baby’s sleep and make you an incredibly pissed off parent. Unfortunately, The Intruder can only be seen and heard by babies so any hope of throat punching him is completely lost. Since he is completely invisible to grown adults I can’t say that I know exactly what he looks like but I imagine it’s something like this.

In all seriousness The Forty-five Minute Intruder refers to that oh-so-vulnerable time during a baby’s sleep cycle where they transition from deep sleep to light sleep. This usually happens between 30 minutes and an hour and lasts for about 10 minutes. During that time baby will easily awaken if uncomfortable. This can be due to hunger, a wet diaper, being too hot or too cold, having their head in an uncomfortable position, an itchy toe, a stray eyelash... you get the idea. Some experts say that there are different things you can do during this period to soothe baby so that they can pass through this transition without waking. To them I say, “Pffffft.” I have done everything possible the fight The Intruder both before sleep and during- swaddling, not swaddling, swaddling with one arm out, swaddling with both arms out, putting Bear on his side, putting Bear on his other side, elevating his crib mattress, placing rolled-up receiving blankets on each side of him so that he feels “hugged”, patting his butt, rubbing his belly, tickling his face, bribing him with candy, giving him money- none of it works! So nap time usually goes something like this:  I spend 30 minutes walking, rocking, bouncing, patting, and “shh”ing Bear to sleep, I put him in his crib, he sleeps for 5 to 45 minutes (lately closer to 5), he wakes up crying, I go in to try and soothe him back to sleep, I am unsuccessful at soothing him back to sleep, I repeat the whole process once more, I give up and throw him in the Beco Gemini, aka The Other Baby Sleep Godsend, and he passes out for an hour and a half.

Now, you may have heard of this mythical unicorn-like creature called “drowsy but awake”. Once baby reaches a certain age a lot of pediatricians and sleep experts will recommend putting your baby down in this state. In theory, it’s an excellent idea. See, people (and babies ARE people) wake up several times throughout the night due to our sleep cycles, we just don’t always realize it. When a baby is rocked to sleep in its mother’s arms and then later wakes up in a different environment, e.g. another room or a crib, its first thought is “Where the fuck am I and what the hell happened?”- kind of how you felt after that frat party in college where you drank a little too much jungle juice and woke up next to that guy everyone was calling “Pisser” the night before due to his notoriously wetting the bed after a few too many beers- scary, right? Then baby starts thinking “Where the eff is that warm, cozy person that rocked me to sleep ever so gently and why am I lying on this rock hard mattress in this cold, dark room by myself? This sucks.” You know what happens next? Yup. Baby is screaming its head off. In contrast, when you put baby down while he/she is still slightly awake they are thinking something along the lines of “I’m sooo sleepy... This isn’t so bad... I’m sooo sleepy,” and they drift off to baby slumber land. When they wake up (thanks Intruder) they think “Oh yeah, I’m in my crib (or wherever you put them down)... I’m still sooo sleepy... I guess I’ll go back to sleep.” Unfortunately my son is completely wise to this method of putting your baby to sleep because every time I am about to put him down “drowsy” his eyes fly open and he is no longer “drowsy”.  Boo.

So his naps are crap. Big whoop. I can deal with that. What I can’t deal with is him waking every 45 minutes to an hour every night when tossing him in the Beco isn’t an option. Again, I’ve pulled out all the same tricks I tried for nap time- none of it works. I’m tired.

I know what you’re thinking- “Why didn’t you just put him in his crib from the start so that you didn’t have this problem?” Well, when you are a new mom running on two hours of sleep you do a lot of stupid shit, okay? Bear also had some breathing issues in the beginning due to a dairy allergy that we have since resolved... and maybe I couldn’t stand the thought of my itty bitty little baby all the way across our (huge 1,000 sq. ft.) apartment in that big crib all by himself.

My bottom line is this: there are a hundred different techniques and methods you can use, but the fact of the matter is that some babies just don’t sleep as well as others. It has nothing to do with you as a parent. I don’t know how many times I’ve cried to M through sleep deprived tears “What am I doing wrong?!” Nothing. Bear just isn’t a good sleeper, but he WILL get there... eventually.

If you happen to have a party baby too, I feel for you. It’s not easy. In fact, it’s REALLY hard. We just have to remember that our babies are not terrible beings who are trying to kill us slowly through sleep deprivation, they are spirited little individuals. This phase will pass and become a hazy, laughable memory and before we know it they will be teenagers and we will need heavy machinery to get them out of bed. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

And no matter how bad the night, I know that I have this to look forward to in the morning:)