Bear and I had trouble
breastfeeding from the start. He wouldn't latch in the hospital despite
my receiving help from three different nurses and two lactation consultants.
After 24 hours he still hadn't eaten and when they came in to weigh him I
broke down and cried. I felt so horrible. The lactation consultant
asked if I wanted to try a nipple shield, but warned me that they often
lead to low supply and could be difficult to wean babies off of. I was
desperate at that point so I agreed. He did much better with the shield.
The lactation consultant was still worried that he wasn't getting
enough, so during each feeding we used a syringe/tube system to give him
a little extra expressed breast milk while he was latched on. They were
also worried about the shield leading to supply issues, so they had me
pumping after every feeding 'round the clock. Bear nursed every 2 hours
for about 45 minutes at a time, so pumping as well was exhausting. After
I left the hospital the lactation consultant continued to check in with
me. I kept saying that I thought I was making plenty of milk despite
using the shield, but she assured me that I needed to keep pumping after
nursing sessions if I wanted to sustain my supply.
While I was in the hospital they also informed me that Bear was slightly jaundiced and that I would need to follow up with the pediatrician to ensure that it subsided. At his first check-up his bilirubin levels were still considered high, so the doctor told us we would need to return in a few days to check them again. For a long time we were going to the doctor on a weekly (sometimes twice a week) basis for heel sticks to check his levels. They remained fairly high for quite a while, but I am lucky that I had an amazing pediatrician who constantly reassured me that it would most likely resolve itself. Still, between being a brand new mom and dealing with breastfeeding and weight gain issues I was a wreck. Fortunately for us Bear's bilirubin levels eventually came down and he also began gaining weight like a champ. Little did we know, that was just the beginning of our struggle.
When Bear was 4 days old I started to feel like I was coming down with
the flu. I had a fever, chills, and was completely miserable. My mom,
who had been staying with us, asked me if I had any red marks on my
boobs. I went to the bathroom to check and, sure enough, both breasts
were streaked with red. I had mastitis on both sides. After that I went
down to only pumping twice a day after feedings and also weaned Bear off
the nipple shield (no easy feat- I thought we'd never get rid of that
stupid thing) sometime around 8 weeks. My boobs became slightly more
manageable, but I was already dealing with a huge oversupply. Every time
I nursed Bear he would pull of screaming the second I had a let down. I
ended up having to unlatch him during every let down, catch my milk in a
towel, and re-latch him. I also turned to block feeding. That went on
for 4 months and during that time I got mastitis three more times. Luckily by that point I could tell fairly easily when it was coming on and I would put in a call to my doctor for a refill on antibiotics. I will say that the one good the about having an oversupply meant that I
always had a freezer full of milk. In fact, I ended up with so much
that I was able to donate a lot of it to a mom in my area who needed it
for her baby. Doing that helped me deal with it emotionally a tiny bit,
though it was still very frustrating most of the time.
Around 2 months in Bear was becoming increasingly fussy and
gassy. He also had very loose, dark green, mucousy stools, eczema, and
seemed to be permanently congested and wheezy. After speaking with the
pediatrician about milk intolerances and all of its symptoms I cut all
dairy out of my diet. Bear became so much better within just a day.
About a month later though he still seemed to be having tummy issues. I
did some research and found that half of all babies who are sensitive to
dairy are also sensitive to soy. I cut soy out and once again, Bear
improved tremendously.
When Bear was 4 months old, we were still really struggling. He was a very fussy baby
and never slept well. Getting 2 straight hours of him at night was a
miracle. We would walk/rock/bounce him back to sleep and the second we
laid him down he would wake up again. He was also still having a hard
time nursing without pulling off and crying. I explained this to his
doctor at one of his appointments and he said it sounded like it might
be reflux. He prescribed us Zantac, which made absolutely no difference.
The next medicine they had us try was Prevacid. It seemed to help slightly, but after
about a month on it I stopped giving it to him and saw no change, so we
kept him off of it. During this time, I was secretly a mess. Despite
huge efforts and help on M's part, I felt very exhausted, alone,
and anxious. Looking back I think I definitely suffered from a little
postpartum anxiety. Every evening I was overcome with intense feelings
of
anxiety about the night ahead of me. At the time I didn't know how to
put my emotions into words, so I never told anyone. Luckily, my anxiety
seemed to fade slowly on it's own and I felt more like myself around the
9 month mark.
At 6 months Bear was still having eczema flair ups and tummy troubles
now and then, so my pediatrician wanted him to be allergy tested since
he was already having issues with dairy and soy that I ate. During our
appointment with the allergist I felt like we were completely blown off.
The doctor performed a skin prick test on him and determined he was
only allergic to egg. He told us that I should just reintroduce dairy and soy and that his eczema wasn't bad enough to be a big deal. I left feeling very unsure, but I've never been
one to question a doctor's diagnosis, so we went on our way and I cut
egg out of my diet as well.
A little while before Bear turned 9 months I gave him a tiny bit of
hummus to taste. He ate it and immediately became red and blotchy and
began coughing and gagging. I called my pediatrician who referred us to a
different allergist. During his appointment they did another skin prick
test followed by a blood test. The results came back to show that
Bear was highly allergic to milk, egg, wheat, nuts, and sesame. I was
upset but also felt relieved- we finally had some answers to all of the
issues we were having! Since finding out, he is a much happier baby and is sleeping so much better as well.
I considered quitting breastfeeding and using a hypoallergenic formula
many times, but could never bring myself to do it. I've had so many
struggles along the way and I'm finally starting to really enjoy our
breastfeeding relationship. Bear is now 11 months old and I am breastfeeding
him on a dairy, egg, wheat, nut, and sesame-free diet. It's not always
easy, but I have become fairly used to it. I had originally planned on
quitting at 1 year, but since he would need either whole milk or formula
until he turns 2, I have decided to keep breastfeeding as long as we are
both enjoying it and my supply cooperates despite my being back at work full-time.
If any other breastfeeding moms out there are struggling, I just want to say that I understand how you feel and you are amazing. Breastfeeding may be "natural", but for me it was anything but easy. Despite everything I faced, I'm so happy I was able to stick with it and I hope you are able to do the same if that is what you want. It's such a selfless thing to do and I don't think there is enough support out there for us. I still believe that every mom should be sent home from the hospital with an assistant and personal cheerleader. And a trophy. Of course a trophy.
