My (long and difficult) Breastfeeding Jouney

Bear and I had trouble breastfeeding from the start. He wouldn't latch in the hospital despite my receiving help from three different nurses and two lactation consultants. After 24 hours he still hadn't eaten and when they came in to weigh him I broke down and cried. I felt so horrible. The lactation consultant asked if I wanted to try a nipple shield, but warned me that they often lead to low supply and could be difficult to wean babies off of. I was desperate at that point so I agreed. He did much better with the shield. The lactation consultant was still worried that he wasn't getting enough, so during each feeding we used a syringe/tube system to give him a little extra expressed breast milk while he was latched on. They were also worried about the shield leading to supply issues, so they had me pumping after every feeding 'round the clock. Bear nursed every 2 hours for about 45 minutes at a time, so pumping as well was exhausting. After I left the hospital the lactation consultant continued to check in with me. I kept saying that I thought I was making plenty of milk despite using the shield, but she assured me that I needed to keep pumping after nursing sessions if I wanted to sustain my supply.

While I was in the hospital they also informed me that Bear was slightly jaundiced and that I would need to follow up with the pediatrician to ensure that it subsided. At his first check-up his bilirubin levels were still considered high, so the doctor told us we would need to return in a few days to check them again. For a long time we were going to the doctor on a weekly (sometimes twice a week) basis for heel sticks to check his levels. They remained fairly high for quite a while, but I am lucky that I had an amazing pediatrician who constantly reassured me that it would most likely resolve itself. Still, between being a brand new mom and dealing with breastfeeding and weight gain issues I was a wreck. Fortunately for us Bear's bilirubin levels eventually came down and he also began gaining weight like a champ. Little did we know, that was just the beginning of our struggle.

When Bear was 4 days old I started to feel like I was coming down with the flu. I had a fever, chills, and was completely miserable. My mom, who had been staying with us, asked me if I had any red marks on my boobs. I went to the bathroom to check and, sure enough, both breasts were streaked with red. I had mastitis on both sides. After that I went down to only pumping twice a day after feedings and also weaned Bear off the nipple shield (no easy feat- I thought we'd never get rid of that stupid thing) sometime around 8 weeks. My boobs became slightly more manageable, but I was already dealing with a huge oversupply. Every time I nursed Bear he would pull of screaming the second I had a let down. I ended up having to unlatch him during every let down, catch my milk in a towel, and re-latch him. I also turned to block feeding. That went on for 4 months and during that time I got mastitis three more times. Luckily by that point I could tell fairly easily when it was coming on and I would put in a call to my doctor for a refill on antibiotics. I will say that the one good the about having an oversupply meant that I always had a freezer full of milk. In fact, I ended up with so much that I was able to donate a lot of it to a mom in my area who needed it for her baby. Doing that helped me deal with it emotionally a tiny bit, though it was still very frustrating most of the time.

Around 2 months in Bear was becoming increasingly fussy and gassy. He also had very loose, dark green, mucousy stools, eczema, and seemed to be permanently congested and wheezy. After speaking with the pediatrician about milk intolerances and all of its symptoms I cut all dairy out of my diet. Bear became so much better within just a day. About a month later though he still seemed to be having tummy issues. I did some research and found that half of all babies who are sensitive to dairy are also sensitive to soy. I cut soy out and once again, Bear improved tremendously.

When Bear was 4 months old, we were still really struggling. He was a very fussy baby and never slept well. Getting 2 straight hours of him at night was a miracle. We would walk/rock/bounce him back to sleep and the second we laid him down he would wake up again. He was also still having a hard time nursing without pulling off and crying. I explained this to his doctor at one of his appointments and he said it sounded like it might be reflux. He prescribed us Zantac, which made absolutely no difference. The next medicine they had us try was Prevacid. It seemed to help slightly, but after about a month on it I stopped giving it to him and saw no change, so we kept him off of it. During this time, I was secretly a mess. Despite huge efforts and help on M's part, I felt very exhausted, alone, and anxious. Looking back I think I definitely suffered from a little postpartum anxiety. Every evening I was overcome with intense feelings of anxiety about the night ahead of me. At the time I didn't know how to put my emotions into words, so I never told anyone. Luckily, my anxiety seemed to fade slowly on it's own and I felt more like myself around the 9 month mark.

At 6 months Bear was still having eczema flair ups and tummy troubles now and then, so my pediatrician wanted him to be allergy tested since he was already having issues with dairy and soy that I ate. During our appointment with the allergist I felt like we were completely blown off. The doctor performed a skin prick test on him and determined he was only allergic to egg. He told us that I should just reintroduce dairy and soy and that his eczema wasn't bad enough to be a big deal. I left feeling very unsure, but I've never been one to question a doctor's diagnosis, so we went on our way and I cut egg out of my diet as well.

A little while before Bear turned 9 months I gave him a tiny bit of hummus to taste. He ate it and immediately became red and blotchy and began coughing and gagging. I called my pediatrician who referred us to a different allergist. During his appointment they did another skin prick test followed by a blood test. The results came back to show that Bear was highly allergic to milk, egg, wheat, nuts, and sesame. I was upset but also felt relieved- we finally had some answers to all of the issues we were having! Since finding out, he is a much happier baby and is sleeping so much better as well.

I considered quitting breastfeeding and using a hypoallergenic formula many times, but could never bring myself to do it. I've had so many struggles along the way and I'm finally starting to really enjoy our breastfeeding relationship. Bear is now 11 months old and I am breastfeeding him on a dairy, egg, wheat, nut, and sesame-free diet. It's not always easy, but I have become fairly used to it. I had originally planned on quitting at 1 year, but since he would need either whole milk or formula until he turns 2, I have decided to keep breastfeeding as long as we are both enjoying it and my supply cooperates despite my being back at work full-time.

If any other breastfeeding moms out there are struggling, I just want to say that I understand how you feel and you are amazing. Breastfeeding may be "natural", but for me it was anything but easy. Despite everything I faced, I'm so happy I was able to stick with it and I hope you are able to do the same if that is what you want. It's such a selfless thing to do and I don't think there is enough support out there for us. I still believe that every mom should be sent home from the hospital with an assistant and personal cheerleader. And a trophy. Of course a trophy.

I HATE FOOD.

I'm not really sure where to begin. I posted a while ago about Bear's 6-month allergy test results, which only showed he was allergic to egg (though he was still intolerant to dairy and soy). Well apparently that was bullshit because we just had him tested again at 9-months after he had a bad reaction to a teeny bite of hummus I gave him. We saw a different allergist (which I was thankful for because I felt blown off by the first one) this time and he did both a skin and blood test. The results are in:

Moderately allergic to- milk, almond, peanut
Highly allergic to- sesame (explains the hummus rxn), egg
Very highly allergic to- wheat

Also still intolerant to soy (but not allergic, yay!)

Bear was prescribed an EpiPen, and a couple meds for his eczema. I'm obviously avoiding giving him any of these foods until further notice. I breastfeed, which means I have cut these things out of my diet as well. It's really hard. I am (or was) a food person. I lived for cooking, trying new restaurants, cheese tasting, and food festivals. That has definitely changed. Cooking used to relax me and now it's just a chore. Dining out is no longer fun. Wherever we go I just get a (very plain) salad and bring my own dressing from home. Traveling is difficult because I have to pack all my own food. I'm constantly concerned with making sure I add enough fat and protein to my meals in order to keep me full.

I'm frustrated for all of these reasons, but it's so much more than that. I'm angry. I'm angry with the first allergist (and yes I know food allergies can change over time, but I had a feeling even then that he was wrong) who blew us off. I'm angry that Bear can't enjoy food the way that I wanted him to be able to. I'm angry that all of this is coming to a head right before I'm supposed to begin my new career. I'm angry that I can't just stay at home and research and make yummy, safe meals for my family, and I'm angry that no one seems to understand.

The most anxiety-inducing thing for me right now is trying to figure out what I'm going to wean Bear to when I'm done breastfeeding since he can't have whole cows milk like most kids. Everything I've read says they need breast milk, formula, or whole cows milk until age 2 for cognitive development. Bear can't have regular formula because it's made from cow's milk. He would need to be on a special, very expensive formula, which would be fine, but I've read that it can be hard to transition babies to since it tastes horrible- perfect for a picky toddler, right? Milk alternatives such as rice and soy milk don't contain the fat and protein that toddlers need. Also, soy milk contains hormones which aren't great for kids and apparently rice milk contains low levels of arsenic. Fucking awesome.

Even worse is that I asked this question (about what I should wean him to at 1 year) on a couple food allergy boards and some people actually told me I should continue breastfeeding. SO EFFING HELPFUL. I already plan on breastfeeding to a year and possibly beyond, but I will be working full time as well as taking 3 courses. My schedule is demanding and I'm not sure that I will have the time to pump when I'm away from him. Also, I miss food. I missing meeting friends for drinks and apps, I miss dining out with M on date nights, and I miss traveling without a cooler full of food. Despite all of this I actually have been toying with the idea of continuing to breastfeed until Bear is 2, simply because if I don't I feel like I am choosing food over him, which is a really shitty feeling. "Hearing" another food allergy mom (see, even they don't understand) tell me to continue breastfeeding, like it was such a "duh" solution, didn't help- it just made me cry.

Well, I'm off to try to create an allergy-friendly cake for Bear's 1st birthday. It's 2 months away, but I have a feeling it will take me that long to come up with something that tastes good enough to actually eat.

On another note, here are some shots from our little trip to see M's parents this weekend:

The three of us. I look pregnant. I'm not.

The awesome waterfall!

Forgetting all my worries:)

Vacation

It's been waaaaaay too long since my last post. In my defense, life has been crazier than ever. We just got back from vacation, I'm scrambling to get everything ready for when I start teaching this fall, and we just found out that Bear has some pretty bad food allergies:( Oh, and did I mention we are ENGAGED?! Crazy, right? M proposed on vacation, which I was totally not expecting. I'll post more about all of these things later, but I wanted to at least get some pics up of our fabulous vacation.

We went to South Haven, MI, a beautiful little town right on Lake Michigan that we visit every summer with my family. We bring a couple boats and rent a place on the canal. It was pretty hot this year, so we didn't get to venture down to the beach as much as I would have liked, but there was lots of fun pool time and it was nice just to see all of my family. Unfortunately Bear slept horribly pretty much the entire trip. It was like having a newborn all over again because he was up almost every hour at night. I'm not positive, but I have a feeling part of it was due to his allergies. He's on a couple medications now and is sleeping much better. Phew!

Bear looking manly in his ladybug float

Looking awesome in his ladybug float

With Nana

My sweet nephew

Taking a break!

Fun in the cabana!

My youngest nephew

My silly (oldest) nephew

With Papa

Accidentally took this himself with my phone. MySpace, here he comes!

At the beach with Daddy

First time in the lake!

Hangin' by the boats with Dad

Bear and I at the beach

My little cheeser

Staying cool at the beach!

Klassy

I'm ready to go back!

Recent Events

As I said in one of my previous posts, we have been crazy busy lately due to my being in two weddings this month! The first was a 6 hour drive south and Bear did really well. We seem to have worked out a pretty good system for car travel which goes a little something like this:

-We keep him up a bit before we leave so that he naps for the first stretch.

-Once he wakes up I wait until he starts to fuss before I get in the back with him and dangle various toys in front of his face. This usually gets another 30 minutes or so out of him.

-He eventually makes it clear that he has had enough and we stop for gas/food/pee break.

On the way down we stopped to visit my sister (who I never get to see) for a night, so that was an added bonus. This was nice because the next day we only had an hour to go before we got to our destination.

The morning of the wedding M's parents met us at the hotel to watch Bear so that M and I could enjoy ourselves. The wedding and reception were tons of fun. The bridal party was made up of all my good college friends so there were lots of laughs (and drinks) throughout the day.

Bear hangin' in his auntie's back yard

Me and a friend before the ceremony. The blue dresses were so flattering on everyone!

Bubble blowin'

That would be our party bus

My friend and I on our way to the reception

M and I both had a really good time. The whole pumping every couple hours thing kind of sucked, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I will say that events like these make me really excited for the day when I am done breastfeeding and no longer have to worry about how much Bear ate, when I should pump, how many drinks I can have, etc.

On to wedding #2..

This one was in Chicago, which was a breeze of a drive compared to the first one. The hotel was amazing and my parents met us there to watch Bear since both M and I were in the wedding party. Again, it was annoying to lug my pump around the whole time and worry about finding a place and time to pump, but everyone was really accommodating and understanding.

Bear getting comfy at the hotel

All the girls getting ready. Notice the window washers...

The bride and I headed to the reception

M and I on the party bus

I LOVED my hair! (I loved my hair for the other wedding as well, I had just never had anything like this done before.)

My drunk-ass had a little difficulty figuring out the photo booth

M and I

Looking somewhat normal.. well, except for the fact that I couldn't figure out where the camera was

I definitely got the hang of the photo booth because I have about 20 strips of those pictures. Apparently that is where I spent a good chunk of the night.

Everything about the wedding and reception was beautiful and perfectly set up. The bride even told the chef ahead of time about Bear's food sensitivities so they made a special dish for me, which was amazing. Those of us at the head table were asked what we would like to drink every 3 seconds and at one point I had 4 cocktails sitting in front of me. It was awesome.

So there you have it- 2 (out of town) weddings in 3 weeks. It was fun but I really hope I never have to do that again with an infant.


In other news, Bear recently had his first trip to the zoo! We met our mom/baby group there for an afternoon and Bear had a great time. He loved watching the polar bear and was a trooper even though he had a craptastic nap day.

Bear and I riding the carousel!

Mr. Polar Bear

Lastly, since today was opening day at our golf club's pool we obviously had to make an appearance;) The weather was crappy on and off and M was on call so he had to go in to work both this morning and then again this evening, but it was nice to get out of the house and spend a couple hours in the (partial) sun.

Bear and I

M and Bear

Takin' a break!

Whew! May was a busy month! Let's hope June is a little more relaxing!

**Edited to add:

I meant to comment on Bear's sleeping habits during our travels. I'm not sure if it's because he is used to all the traveling we do, but the majority of the time he sleeps better when we are away than he does at home. We always take the Pack'n'Play and I will wear the crib sheet in my shirt for a couple hours before we leave and pack it with my things so that it smells like me (I do the same with his Aden&Anais lovie). It probably doesn't make much of a difference anymore, but it was just something I started doing when he was a newborn that seemed to help, so I stuck with it. We take my iPad as well so that we can play his white noise on it during naps and at night (and occasionally in the car if things get crazy). Lastly, I always make sure to request at least a queen-size bed if we are staying at a hotel, just in case he does have a bad night so that I can put him in bed with us without any issues.

When we are out of town and other people are watching him I let them do whatever they need to do to get him to sleep. When my parents were watching Bear last weekend the only way they could get him to nap was by driving him around. They didn't mind at all so it was completely fine with me. I don't let him cry himself to sleep when we are away. Being in a new place with new sounds and new smells can be scary shit for a 7-month-old, especially when their parents aren't around, so that just isn't an option for us.

Like I said though, as long as we bring a few comforting things from home he does pretty well, which is fantastic considering all the traveling we do.

Mother's Day

This is definitely belated but I can't not write a post about my first Mother's Day!

A couple weeks before Mother's Day M asked me what I wanted for a gift. I originally told him a food processor, but after one particularly horrible night where I was up several times with Bear I (jokingly) texted him that I wanted diamonds. Well the joke was on me because shortly after I woke up M presented me with a box that very obviously contained some sort of jewelry. It was a beautiful diamond bracelet. He actually got me diamonds! Of course I felt horrible because I guilted my boyfriend into getting me a very pricey piece of jewelry when we have all kinds of other things that that money could have gone towards. I was also worried that I would never be able to wear it because Bear is always yanking on any necklace or earrings I try to wear. I told M that I couldn't accept it and that I would be happy to return it for a less expensive (diamondless), sturdier piece of jewelry that Bear couldn't destroy. He said he understood but I think he was still a little hurt.

The moral of this story is that I am a crazy-ass bitch because the moment the bracelet left the house to be returned the next day I felt like I NEEDED it back. I called M who yelled at me to "quit playing mind games with him". I cried and M brought the bracelet home to me that evening.

The bracelet that caused all the trouble

Back to Mother's day..

We recently joined a golf club (because M likes to golf and I like to lay (lie?) next to pools in the sun) which was hosting a Mother's Day brunch, so we decided to make reservations. I started out with a delicious bloody Mary and then moved on to shrimp, crab legs, about 4 different kinds of meat, and a few red velvet pancakes topped with caramel apples. YUM. Unfortunately Bear was not in a great mood due to missing his morning nap, but luckily M and I could both probably do pretty well in speed eating competitions, so we stuffed our faces and left. The rest of the day was spent hanging out and relaxing at home.

M and Bear at brunch

Bear and I

We took a couple pics for the grandmas

Serious face

Overall, an awesome first Mother's Day. I only wish that we lived a little closer to family so that I could have seen my own mom. I am the mom that I am today because of her. She is my rock and the first person I call when I have a question about Bear. If I turn out to be even half the mom that she was to me, I know we'll be just fine.

My mom and Bear when he was just a few days old

My mom looking fabulous, as always:)

Busy Busy Busy!

We have been insanely busy lately (in case you didn't get that from the title). M was in Texas on business all last week and I had a bridal shower and bachelorette party to attend that were both out of town. So last weekend I drove two hours alone with Bear to Chicago for the shower. It was the trip from HELL. He slept for the first 45 minutes, woke up, and was NOT happy. I stopped at a gas station to feed and change him, where he had a major meltdown in the bathroom (because those stupid hand dryers have to be louder than a jet engine) and I proceeded to accidentally drop his blanket on the floor (gross). I got him changed and fed and put him back in his car seat, which to him is basically a torture device. He eventually fell asleep for about 20 minutes and then woke up crying again. We were almost to the location, so I figured he could wait a few minutes. FALSE. He of course got ridiculously worked up and my iPhone took me to someone's house instead of the restaurant I was supposed to be at. I pulled into the nearest parking lot and took him out of his car seat and he stopped crying immediately. I finally figured out how to get to where I needed to be, but it was freezing cold out so it was a little too far to walk. I put Bear back in his seat and he started crying again, but luckily I was able to find a parking space fairly easily so we were there pretty quickly. At this point I was around 30 minutes late (oh, did I mention I was supposed to help host the shower?). Thankfully my friend is incredibly sweet and she completely understood.

Late and flustered, but we made it!

My parents met me at the shower (Chicago is halfway between our homes) and watched Bear so that I could enjoy myself (read: drink) at the shower a bit.

After the shower my mom rode back with Bear and I. I'm so glad she did because Bear cried about half of the way and I'm sure it would have been much worse had he not had my mom's or my hand to hold the whole way.

After we made it to my parents' house I decided the first thing I was going to do was order a convertible car seat (he had still been in the infant carrier) for the trip back. I was trying to decide between the Britax Marathon, Britax Boulevard, and Peg Perego Primavera Vesuvio. I finally decided on the Britax Boulevard because of the great reviews and the fun prints/colors!

Nothing says "badass" like a man in zebra print.

So far he definitely seems to like this seat better than the infant carrier, which I think was getting a little too cramped for him. (Side note: this seat was fairly easy to install, which is nice since I had to do it myself because M was out of town. I, however, am super paranoid and called all over trying to double check that I had installed it correctly. The Toyota dealership that we bought my car from was useless- the dude didn't even know what a convertible car seat was. He also had no clue what the LATCH system was. WTF?! The fire station didn't answer the phone- again, WTF?! I finally called Britax and they were really helpful. They were able to direct me to a bunch of online instruction videos for everything from installing using the LATCH system to anchoring the tether strap.)

The rest of the week was pretty relaxing (aside from the major cold I am still battling). Bear had a great time at my parents' house and got to see all of his cousins.

My brother, Papa (my dad), and my brother-in-law with all four of the grandsons (still no girls!)

The following weekend I had the bachelorette party in Chicago to attend. M also had a meeting there, so he flew straight from Texas to Chicago. His mom came up as well and she watched Bear for me while I got ready for the party.

I met up with my girlfriends at their hotel and we drank champagne and played penis games. After everyone was good and tipsy we headed to this place where you get drunk and paint. It was awesome.

Wine and art- doesn't get much better than that!

The finished product

I realized in drunk painting how much I miss being in touch with my creative side. Maybe once I have more free time I'll get back into drawing/painting/photography, but for now I just don't think I have the time.

I also realized how much I miss living in Chicago. I love where we are now, but I miss everything about the city- the food, the atmosphere, the noise. Maybe one day we will make it back in that direction if I can convince M.

On an unrelated note, I woke up this morning to this:

That would be Bear sleeping in his crib and our cat sleeping next to him. I'm usually good about making sure she isn't in the room before I shut his door, but she is so sneaky and my brain isn't always operating at full capacity around 4 am.

This coming weekend we will be making another road trip (6 hours- shoot me) for one of the two weddings I am in this month, so stay tuned- should be some good stories.